Monday - I think it was - I walked into Waterstones, up to the back of the shop with all the amazing teen books (I will NOT mention that certain saga), spotted a book, pulled it off the shelf, and read the blurb:

It’s really going to happen. They said it would, but this is quicker than anyone thought.

Before I Die by Jenny Downham is probably the most emotional book I’ve ever read. It tells the story of Tessa, a sixteen-year-old girl with leukaemia, who only has a few months to live. Because of her shortness of time, she makes a list: things to do before I die. Everything’s on her list, from having sex to breaking the law, to seeing her parents get back together and holding her best friend’s baby before anyone else. She’s determined to make the most out of her life before she has to go, and we’re there through every step of the way, right until that last sentence: “Light falls through the window, falls onto me, into me.”

SO WHY CAN’T I CRY?

I want to cry. I’m listening to sad songs. Every single goddamned review in the front cover of that book says how ‘everyone who reads this will cry’. SO WHY AREN’T I CRYING? Is it because I’m heartless? Because I’m this pathetic little thing with no ability to show her emotions?

I certainly feel like crying, but the tears won’t run. Instead I just feel empty. Empty, empty, empty. I’ve cried at other things, like while reading a certain book in a certain series that I certainly won’t be mentioning. Like when a bloke I never even knew died shortly after his girlfriend. Like when I heard this song for the first time.

But don’t let my lack of waterworks put you off. I can guarantee that everyone else will cry at this book. It’s heartbreaking, sad, beautiful. It’s “a reminder to value the people that matter, seize the moment, wish with courage, adventure with relish.” It’s bloody brilliant.

Only thing that annoyed me? Tessa wanting every damned thing in the world, taking advantage of her illness. But, then, she so deserved everything she was given, because she was just so brave. I could never stay strong through something like that. I’d stay in bed all day, feeling sorry for myself. She kept going for as long as she could, kept her and others’ hearts beating, kept the world looking amazing, kept the beauty in the simplest things. Kept that little sparkle of hope, that little bead of light.

Okay, I’m crying now. Thank you Snow Patrol.